i already hear my dad disowning me
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
