I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
