cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
