dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
