i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
My pussy is not your playground.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
