dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
