Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
