I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
