sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
