im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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