I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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