Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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