margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
