watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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