I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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