im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
BRING THE BAGELS
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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