Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
