If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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