I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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