Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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