Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
