im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
