I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
