I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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