I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
In other news, I just burned my penis
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
