we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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