i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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