LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
