I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Randomize
