I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I just had sex on a roof
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
