My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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