I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
