READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
