i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
