ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
