he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
