WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
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