So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
