I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
