I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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