I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
