I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Randomize
