Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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