at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
