i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
