Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
