My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
