my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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