The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
