It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
